A lost friend..

“I’m sorry to have ever know you." Those were a friend's words. My brain didn't know what to think and my hands froze.. fingers didn't know what to type in reply. It came as a surprise, but for someone who talks as much as I do, who preaches as much as I do.. it had to happen sooner or later. Sad it happened this way, and sad that it happened with one of my closest friends. But pherhaps it had to happen to make me realise how wrong I can be sometimes.

This is one of the saddest days in my life. What’s worse is the knowledge that I’ve caused it. I lost a friend today. Perhaps forever. I hope it’s not forever.. but is that wishful thinking..? I don’t see much hope of putting the pieces back together. Besides, I think she deserves better friends. People who can treat her better. I'm sure I would if I get another chance, but I don't think I'll ask for one. Not at this stage anyway.

This was a friend I had known for many years, and I’ve loved her as a friend. For some reason, I never thought I could ever lose her as a friend. But I’m sure some of you can relate.. that when such a close friend tells you that he/she is ‘sorry to have ever known you’, it hurts a lot. But then if such a friend says that and pledges never to speak to you again, it tells you how much you must’ve hurt him/her to have caused them to say so.

I’ve never tried to portray myself as a perfect man. Nor do I say that I’m always right. But according my newly lost friend, that’s exactly what I do. I know that my thoughts are very idealistic and I tend to often preach such a living. But that’s because I believe that if my thinking is not idealistic, I will not try to be a better man. I don’t think one can improve by compromising with the basic thoughts. By the time we put those thoughts into practice, they are adulterated by evils around and inside us anyway. So why start with polluted thoughts? But according to my friend, that’s what I do.. portray myself as a perfect man. Maybe I do though. I know we can’t always see our own faults and we need someone else to tell us when we are wrong. I know I don’t readily accept my faults. I am a man of many questions. I reason everything I am told and if I can be shown that I am wrong, I have no problem in accepting when I’m wrong. But maybe I am too insistent about me being right. Maybe I do come across as someone who’s trying to portray himself as a perfect human being. Sad if I come across like that.

The mistake I made was using some very rude words in describing my friend. We’ve been so close that I always tell her where I think she is wrong. She does the same. I don’t think there was anything wrong in what I was trying to say. But the words I used were no doubt very rude and uncalled for. I’m generally told by my friends that I can be quite diplomatic in the way I talk. But I was obviously not that in this case. From what she said, it appeared she was implying that I always talk like that.. or at least often do. I hope that isn’t true, because I’d hate to be like that.

I just hope I can take some good out of this grim day of my life. I hope I can learn something from it.. never make the same mistake again and never lose a friend again

Anyway, for once, I really need feedback on this post. If you are someone I know, and/or someone who knows me, please post your comments. Please try ‘n be honest and straight forward. I need some constructive criticism on the issues I discussed above or any related issues.